Sometimes it isn’t enough to draw, sing or play sometimes you just ... write.  You write because it’s something poisonous in you that has to come out and this vial.. that has been sitting inside me like a golden blue star spotted century egg that is about to burst and release nothing more than what a regular old rotten egg would..

I had been sitting in my room in the same hoodie with my back against the same wall with every cell of my body starved of drugs for days.  I was fixing to go boost some otc cough syrup to dull the pain. Shakey handed with still back up against the wall- something solid, something real, something concrete.. not absurd like what my hands were doing.  Smoothing the insides and pasting on another layer of tin foil like I was doing a plaster caste of I don’t know.. some celebrity face. Smoothing the foil into the internal caverns and ridges of a beaten red orange leather thrift store bag.  The kind with a long strap. The long strap worked nice, I kept the bag open just enough to drop small items
Inside.  Eye shadow.  Lip balm.  Earrings.  Anything I wanted really.  But this time it wasn’t for no fuckin’ beauty project, maybe after I got some of the OTC in my blood my cells will stop crying so bad for junk.

 I once knew a girl 

Who was really mean

I did everything

For her approval

And lost myself

And my mind

Gray.

What is this about?  This gray blob of matter? 

In me since birth, destroying me!

The gray nuisance.

The internal asylum.

The torturous, untouchable entity.

Could I remove thee?

Set myself free?

No, because therefore..

I would be deceased.

Your entrapment astounds me.

Vice's Versa.

It's easy to hate someone from afar.  Then you get up close and find there are so many reasons to feel sorry for them.  You stop loving to hate them altogether and just feel bad.  It's easy to love someone from afar...

Ungarbled. What I meant was: Freezing.

If I had known what was to come I may have staid put.  I would have remained stagnant, even though I always felt stagnant , like an island bog festering with crustaceans and anemone.  However I wanted to try to make money.  Money to give to my mother who I am alone in the world with.  I date and have dated.  In tradition women often find a financial partner as well as a romantic one but such traditions has evaded me.  Perhaps because I am a brute, too seemingly independent, tough and cruel at times.  But I ache for a true partner in life.  One that will really help me pull the reigns and someone whose consoling is just as powerful as mine in my time of need.  Someone who hasn't felt the warm comforts of a tight knit family and reserves their care and support for them in an incestuous tangling of snakes. .  I want sometime who is a loner too.  Someone who has no one to give to but their mother and can give to me as I give to her... and in turn I give them more.   More than they've ever known.  Alas, these are the things of movies .. dramas.. that two lone people, two truly alone people- find solace in each other.