Emotionally Lost

Sometimes I think coming of age has to due with finding out the truth of ones self and those that surround them.  I never felt right in the past crowds but what about the crowds to come?  What about the circles that await and all the damage that could be done? Are we not forcibly taught to carry on and dismiss the dark feelings that come as a result of tragedy and humiliation, shame and disgust?  We are.  We are taught to plow forward and be reminded of no past ills, even though they swirl and hover around our skulls and in our skin we are taught to dismiss them, even though they never go away.

I found out that the love of my life thus far is planning to travel the United States with another girl.  My body feels hollow and my appetite is gone.  For right now this is buried above ground and i'm hoping, dying for a way out of the pain and abandon that I feel inside.  It is small and there are far worse things to endure.

David

David, saw you slither in.

David, made my den a sin.

David, all up on my skin.

David, set me on fire.

David, watch my torso blow,

Into a bloody stinking hole

and painful spot I wish would go in between two fiery gates...

VOID.

What land is our land

THEY SAY!

Is theirs?

THEY SAY!

How elementary they sound, when they say it.

The land they raped and took, the land they sought and pillaged and milked and scraped every corner, every vein they slit and watched run... dry..

How do I have an appreciation? How do I seek an education? Of the land that is theirs that was mine?

it all.

Nothing worse than the torment

and torture that comes with being small..

maybe worse is that you remember it all

no better than the punched hole in your bedroom wall

is the hole in in your torso

where you feel it all.

Of being little, and being small.

There was nothing worse than all of it all, running the block and a smashing down fall, the burning of sun and the rushing of blood and a stinging of pain and ohhhh just of it all, of being so small.

The backyard adventure, the under-the-sheet the ice cream bowl and the playtime mystique-

of being so small..

of being so small..

of being so helpless,

of feeling...

it,

all...