Sad wet

Eating depressing desserts

Complex carbohydrate clouds

Plenty of big fat tears

Plump tears rolling down a plump cheek absorbing into a plump pillow

"what a sad wet sack"

And I'm falling into a pool of water wrapped in a white cotton sheet

The bleachers are filled with thin mean olive complected people with their sandy brown hair and thin knobby fingers..

They make appalling faces as the sheet becomes soaked and molds to my mounds of heavy flesh seconds before I submerge completely into the water, an irregular globular form caste against the rigid primary colored racing lanes tiled upon the bottom of the pool...

Rigid lanes for thin rigid people to prove themselves within. Who makes it to one end first but now none of that matters..not in this moment because they all came to see the show, and now they are cleanly dressed in pastel colors, smelling of detergent and department store..

Because the fat woman is drowning, if only she could have fit in the lines, they thought, raced behind us in the lines until all the sad fat melted away, maybe she would be sitting here with us, not making a spectacle of herself..  But then, what would they read then?  What would they read then?

I ate bitter truths to sooth my twisted roots
 and the whirlwhind of ideas physically manifesting
in a shoot
from the field
 that is my skull.
  Spiraling curling - cues -  in vibrant natural and dyed hues ...
...come spilling, seeking and vibrating.. The blues..

I do not know what is happening to my brain....!

My ugliness in form and figure is all they see.

My hunched back and unbearable eyes.

Nobody looks me there, in the eye.

Visions of myself falling from a tree limb, skirted and noosed, flicker in my mind

i'm feeling towards the end of despair

i'm not interested, unable, and hopeless

x.x

Misery, there it came

misery.. and awful pain

misery, embarrassing, unkind, 

misery.. has taken my mind.

Misery,  in my soul.

Misery, i have no hope, 

misery, I want to die. 

Misery, just sit and cry.

Misery, is a horrible game.  

Misery. 

Is my first name.  

Misery, till the very end. 

Misery, my only friend. 

Misery, into the wind, 

misery.. all over again.  

all over again

all over again

no more

  I give up my womb, not free to sow.

Of decades of plagues. 

And battered woes. 

I give up my womb, not free to sow.

No new pain, no fresh horror.. I give up my womb, not free to sow.

My motherly bone, picked from my soul, I give up my womb.. not free to sow.

The bathtub, the pillow, the pond and the tree.

how many tiny lives did she set free?

the battered woman, inside of me.  

how many times, did she tell me

of the generations past, so stiffled..unhappy..

from behind their crochet

from behind their milk tea

i can feel their eyes

staring at me

now through the window, and into the sea.. there they are wading with the bodies they keep

heavy on their shoulders and worn through their minds, how many times... oh, how many times.  

the vision i see, many women i can not be, baring fruit unwanted

I said, now.. watch it spoil in the sun.  Turn rotten and useless, fetid and wrong..

They forced her to do it.  She wanted to flee. 

But there she lie birthing.

another baby.