Ungarbled. What I meant was: Freezing.

If I had known what was to come I may have staid put.  I would have remained stagnant, even though I always felt stagnant , like an island bog festering with crustaceans and anemone.  However I wanted to try to make money.  Money to give to my mother who I am alone in the world with.  I date and have dated.  In tradition women often find a financial partner as well as a romantic one but such traditions has evaded me.  Perhaps because I am a brute, too seemingly independent, tough and cruel at times.  But I ache for a true partner in life.  One that will really help me pull the reigns and someone whose consoling is just as powerful as mine in my time of need.  Someone who hasn't felt the warm comforts of a tight knit family and reserves their care and support for them in an incestuous tangling of snakes. .  I want sometime who is a loner too.  Someone who has no one to give to but their mother and can give to me as I give to her... and in turn I give them more.   More than they've ever known.  Alas, these are the things of movies .. dramas.. that two lone people, two truly alone people- find solace in each other.

Plasticine Amber Waves of Grain

Since before America became industrialized, the powers the be have been falsely advertising our country.  

Perhaps if America would just admit that we have nothing to offer a person who is looking to start a new life, then people would just stop coming.  Maybe then they would realize that it is probably better to stay and fight for a better life just where they are... maybe then other countries would solidify and fight back at their own powers that be instead of risking their lives to come to the Land That Opportunity Forgot..

We then wouldn't have to worry about our borders.  

Our planes. 

Our boats. 

Those who float in on inner tubes...

Maybe...

Or maybe the damage has already been done.  Perhaps even after the veil of false advertising and the blinding light of plasticine amber waves of grain dissapates, people would still float in on inner tubes, jump borders and who knows what else... 

Who knows what else.....

Who knows what else..... 

To cross into a land that is hung by a noose of siren red tape.  

The trees are lined with purple light

I'm high on a dime store drug tonight

The clouds were dripping, saccharine sweet

The pavement is marshmallow, under my feet

The trees are lined with purple light

I'm high on a dime store drug tonight

The clouds are dripping saccharine sweet..

The pavement is nothing under my feet

I'm dying, right here, in the center

of the street.  

B.

a dynasty of errors within me and now i see a recreation of the foulness repeat why is it that i have to see such a dark place within

under the mattress and into the womb under the table and into the room... look out from the the window and what do you see.. a world that could not be me.  inside an incestuous chamber of doubt 

lays the grout

for the workings

of  

my 

every

anxiety...

from within our boxes we whisper to each other "when when when.. will we get out?  will we ever get out?  what do you mean get out? get out get out getout geouteotuoutugettttttttttoooooooooooooooooooGHHEETOOOOO!!!!!!  

Ghetto. 

The ghetto is everywhere.  from within the ghetto is a ghetto and what radiates out from it is in of itself a reflection of the ghetto.  urban to suburban to rural within each sect you will find the ghetto.  

in a city apartment a girl looks out from her window onto the urban sprawl and says "will i ever get out?"

from a trailer in the country a girl looks upon the brink of suburban sprawl and says "will i ever get out?"

from within the suburban sprawl a girl looks... both ways...and says....}the stiffling is madness for all of us within.  those at either end ... of .... the... dim....{she sees those who wish to stay and those who wish to flee and not a single

one

of 

them

wants

her

company

because 

she 

is 

an 

extension

of

their

self 

they 

wish

not

to 

see

}a bright and shiny glistening doll---eeee on a pristine mantle of despair eyes black and wide glistening unmoved, untouched, by the incessant sound of polishing and vacuuming to maintain the LIE that the....

urban

and

rural

wish

to

see

so 

that

they

can

feel

good

in

right

company

and make a good impression.  

what is it she should be?

{she should be nothing so we can do anything..}

{she should be nothing so we can do anything..}

{and so they abuse the naive and vulnerable}

then they dress her up.

so she looks pretty.

so that everyone knows everything is okay.

as long as she looks pretty. 

everything is okay. 

the second a woman.. 

is in disarray...

... all of the evils of the world are revealed......

Sad wet

Eating depressing desserts

Complex carbohydrate clouds

Plenty of big fat tears

Plump tears rolling down a plump cheek absorbing into a plump pillow

"what a sad wet sack"

And I'm falling into a pool of water wrapped in a white cotton sheet

The bleachers are filled with thin mean olive complected people with their sandy brown hair and thin knobby fingers..

They make appalling faces as the sheet becomes soaked and molds to my mounds of heavy flesh seconds before I submerge completely into the water, an irregular globular form caste against the rigid primary colored racing lanes tiled upon the bottom of the pool...

Rigid lanes for thin rigid people to prove themselves within. Who makes it to one end first but now none of that matters..not in this moment because they all came to see the show, and now they are cleanly dressed in pastel colors, smelling of detergent and department store..

Because the fat woman is drowning, if only she could have fit in the lines, they thought, raced behind us in the lines until all the sad fat melted away, maybe she would be sitting here with us, not making a spectacle of herself..  But then, what would they read then?  What would they read then?